youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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