I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
