it's too hot outside to masturbate.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
