I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
