i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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