i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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