I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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