I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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