I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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