genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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