And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
