I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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