I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.