I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.