OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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