i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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