I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
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so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
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I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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