I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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