We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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