Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
