I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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