Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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