xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
