i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
