if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
