I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
