If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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