she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Sorry about my life...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
