Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
