im so drunk with asians
where?
always
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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