I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
