I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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