he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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