I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
