Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
