I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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