hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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