apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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