Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
