Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
