I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
