remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
