I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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