There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
