I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
