Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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