1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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