she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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