I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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