I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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