u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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