he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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