Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
