If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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