I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
