life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
