He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
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Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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