youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
