how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you will always have a special place in my vag
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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